I was recently accepted to the Howard Hughes research program at my university, and since then, I have been flooded with advice about my future and career in research.

At the same time however, some people who I used to count on for advice, have stopped giving it. I am a third year now, and it’s time for me to make some decisions for myself– to grow up and realize that there isn’t always going to be someone there for me to talk to about what I should do with my life.

I never wanted to be treated like a child and told “Do this. No, you can’t do that. You SHOULD be doing this. Why are you doing that?”, because I want my independence and the ability to make decisions for myself.

But sometimes, just sometimes, when the world feels like it’s falling on your head, it’s nice to be able to run to someone and have them tell you that everything is going to be ok, and that what you want to do is going to turn out just fine.

Unfortunately, as luck would have it, the more we age, the more the world starts to crumble beneath our feet and above our heads, and the more people start to run away and let you figure out how to escape from your own messes by yourself.

I am filled with conflicting emotions right now.

You are asked to write a 500 word, very short article for Scientific American about the Nipah Virus and its biology of infection. Use the data presented in class as your knowledge base. Write the article assuming that it is written for educated non-scientists (the target audience for Sci Am). Make sure to include a catchy title; something that will make a reader want to peruse your article.

So I realize that many of you will probably not read this because it’s more “thinky” and many of you just are not interested in biology the way I am. However, I thought that maybe some of you would appreciate learning about Nipah virus. This was something that written for a research seminar class that I took a couple years ago. I am currently taking a class dealing with similar material and thought it would be good to re-post this blog entry.

Ebola, AIDS, Avian flu, and SARS—serious diseases that plague our past, present, and future. All caused by viruses. Does the mere mention of these diseases run a shiver down your spine? Does the threat of pandemic send you scurrying indoors?

Maybe not, but perhaps this virus will—Nipah.

Recently, I have been working on a quantification project that involves me quantifying things blindly without knowing the genotypes.

I’m sure to most of you, this seems like simple enough work. You just quantify, and in the end, when you analyze the data, you get to learn what the genotypes were.

However, for me, being one who likes to have a sense of closure and have a general idea of the way things are going or where they are headed, this process has been absolute agony.

I sit in front of the computer, fretfully wondering, “Are you a knock-out? I hope you’re a knock-out. If you’re not a knock-out, that will be bad. Oh dear, are you a wild-type? You shouldn’t be a wild-type. What if you are a wild-type. Does that mean that things are not what we think they are? Oh no oh no oh no…”

I want to know what the genotypes are. I want to take a peek at the slide labels and have some satisfaction of knowing that things are going the way they are supposed to be going.

When my graduate student looks at my data, he simply goes, “Hmm, we’ll see.”

We’ll see? What does that mean? Does that mean things are not going well? Does that mean things are looking the way we want them to?

I want desperately to know. As a result, I have been quantifying like the wind. The sooner I finish, the sooner I get to know, and the sooner I get to analyze my data.

The moral of the story: To make Lillian finish her work faster, make her do something blind so that she has to finish quickly in order to satisfy her insatiable curiosity.

I missed lab meeting today. It was slightly on purpose. Today was the first day of class, and I was deathly tired already. As a result, I decided to sleep in, and ended up missing lab meeting.

However, my sleep was not peaceful. I ended up dreaming about going into lab, only to have people be angry at me for missing lab meeting. I also dreamed that we were celebrating people’s birthdays by having cake at lab meeting, and by the time I showed up, there was no cake left, and people just kept shaking their heads at me saying, “If only you had been a good undergrad and gone to lab meeting.”

I have always tried to plan my class schedule around lab meetings so that I have no class during those times and can actually go to lab meetings because they are important for the lab. But somehow, I still end up missing some.

I go home, have errands to run, or life just gets in the way. And sometimes… I sleep in.

But after this morning’s fretful rest, I’m not sure how wise it would be to continue this behavior. Time to buckle down and be a good responsible undergrad and GO TO THOSE LAB MEETINGS.

I was dreading going down to the mouse room today, for fear that I would find a bunch of dead or half-eaten pups, but I was pleasantly surprised by what I saw.

The two remaining litters from yesterday were still alive! And lo and behold, both of the mothers were taking care of the pups. It was quite exciting, and an almost sweet sight to behold. :)

Oh mice, you frustrate me to no end, but time and again, I am reminded that you are animals who still recognize the bonds between a mother and her babies. And when you show some compassion, it’s endearing.

I have a love-hate relationship with you, my dear mice.

On one hand, I think you are the cutest things in the world. When you’re less than a month old, just before you need weening, I think you guys are some of the most adorable little animals I have ever seen. You’re so cute and miniature and I just want to smuggle you home so I can play with you.

But on the other hand, you guys have caused me so much grief that I pale at the thought of going down to the mouse room to visit you guys.  I dread my daily visits to you, and it would make me so happy if there was never any tagging, tailing, weening, separating, etc. to be done. My idea of a pleasant visit to the mouse room nowadays is just popping in for a quick visit to say hi, make sure no one is fighting, dead, or pregnant, and then popping back out to the real world again.

I have been rather unhappy in my lab this past week or so. After giving what I thought was a comparatively successful first lab meeting in front of the entire lab, I was in good spirits, and went home for the long weekend feeling good about myself and about how the way things were going in lab.

But when I returned last week, things got off to strange start with my mentor, and it feels as if we have been silently feuding in a very unhealthy, passive-aggressive manner. He silently fumes over the fact that I did not come in over the weekend to get some work done, and I silently fume about the fact that he has essentially relegated me to doing PCR and mindless tasks.

So after taking a break from lab work for finals week and a short one-week summer vacation, I returned to work on Monday morning, bright and early. I didn’t think that I had been gone for that long, or that my absence would be noticed, but a surprisingly large number of people greeted me with “welcome backs” and the like.

It was a slightly odd experience, seeing as I’m an undergrad and all, and generally, in the grand scheme of lab hierarchy and politics, undergrads count for very little. But nonetheless, it was nice to know that people noticed that I had been gone and possibly missed me. :)

At the same time however, I kept thinking to myself, “Welcome back? Welcome back from what? I haven’t been gone for that long.” Because you see, in my mind, a week or two is not a long time to be away from something for. Last summer, I wasn’t in lab at all, and when I came back in the fall, those “welcome back’s” made more sense. But two weeks? Really? Two weeks seems like such a trivial amount of time compared with the way I feel now, after completing “x” number of years of my undergraduate career and thinking that it feels more like weeks than years.

But I am back.

And boy am I back.

It has been three days since I have started work again in lab and I’m already pulling the equivalent of a lab  “all-nighter”. It is currently 9:40 and the prospects are looking pretty slim for me getting out of lab much before midnight. It’s ok, if all goes well with this experiment, I may have some exciting news to report back to my mentor! :)

So even though it’s dark and cold and I’m alone in lab, I will console myself by thinking good thoughts about my experiment. Cheerio!

I love my lab. Now more than ever, I really truly do love the people in my lab.

Today was one of the weirdest days in my life, and it is because of the wonderful people in my life that I am not a messy puddle on the ground right now. My friends outside have a huge role in that, but the people in my lab have also been phenomenal towards me during this time.

Today, my dignity and credibility were threatened by a series of emails sent to my PI and other members of the lab disclosing sensitive personal information about me. I had no idea what was going on until one of the people the email was adressed to pulled me aside to show me the emails that had been sent about me. What worried me most was what people would think about me– especially my PI. 

But today, more than ever, when I was constantly either on the brink of tears or bursting out into tears, the people in my lab were there to help me through. Those who knew the whole story were supportive and offered good advice, those who knew only part of the story or who didn’t know anything at all but could sense that something was bothering me offered their support and consolation in a different way. Even my PI, who I was most scared of hearing backlash from, was extremely supportive.

Everyone kept telling me that my personal life was my personal life and that these accusations should not have been made in the first place. None of that stuff had anything to do with my work in lab and shouldn’t have been brought up.

I lovemy lab, and I am extremely grateful to everyone for supporting me and taking care of me when I needed it most. I truly would be lost without you guys.

People often say that research is a lonely life, and while I can definitely see how that may be, I always tell people that I see an incredible amount of camaraderie and support in my lab. Granted, we do have our fair share of squables and cliques, but on the whole, most people are friendly with each other and have good relationships with their lab mates.

So I can definitely feel for the postdoc and graduate student who were visibly upset that some of their lab mates (including me) did not show up to the “Postdoctoral Symposium” they organized. For many of us who weren’t postdocs, we didn’t think to go because well… we weren’t postdocs and weren’t presenting, or had other experiments and lab work to attend to.