And it would do me some good not to forget that.
It is true, I have been neglecting my research. It’s not because I am purposefully doing such a thing. I just have become busy with other things, and as a result, have been forced to put research on the back burner. Not for nothing would I sacrifice my research, mind you, so this “thing” that has usurped the place of research in my life is awfully important to me.
In a couple of weeks though, order will have been restored to my life, and my research will be rightfully appointed “king of Lillian’s humble existence” once more.
It took me a while to realize that my golden goose was running away: a few bitter glances and remarks from my graduate student– those stung, they really did. My graduate student has been nothing but supportive of me, and it really hurt to see that he was starting to lose respect for me because I wasn’t pulling my weight in the lab.
At first it was flattering to realize that my presence was missed in the lab. People remarked on it– “where have you been Lillian?”, “Haven’t seen you around? I thought you lived in lab!” But I realize that it is not for nothing that I garnered that reputation.
One of my friends, my occasional “life and career counselor”, has told me on a number occasions, “you know that research is your “thing” right? Don’t forget that.” He tells me this when he can sense that I am losing track of what I’m doing– when I try to take on too much or try to do everything.
He put me in that box, and I resented it.
I hate labels.
But deep down, I know that it’s true. And I know that it’s true now, more than ever. Research has given me everything. It has brought me success, friends, money, and perhaps even a little bit of fame. At my university, I feel “special” because of my research. Without that… I feel wholly “normal”.
I hate feeling normal. I hate feeling normal more than I hate labels.
Research is my thing. Ok, I get it. I am the research girl. I have other interests of course, but research is my golden goose.
Don’t kill your golden goose, Lillian.
